Crossing to Safety

If I were granted another life, I would concentrate all my efforts on writing beautiful words. The older I get, the more I yearn for the ability to share what I feel deep in my soul through words. I feel things so deeply, so profoundly, that I never feel like I can completely portray what I'm trying to say as accurately and acutely as I want to say it. My envies are for gifts of pose and prose, lyrics, and ability for words like John Steinbeck, Ernest Hemingway, Taylor Swift, and countless others, all of whom pen their words so freely and beautifully they often bring me to tears. 

I am currently in the middle of a book called Crossing To Safety that has reminded me, once again, of my wish to convey what I feel through words. It has made me stop dead in my tracks to think about what I just read, deep thoughts like why do we continue relationships with people who do things that drive us absolutely crazy, but yet we love them so?; why do some people ponder personal development and pursue a higher path, while others stay the same and refuse to change?; why do some people have a harder time being vulnerable, even when it prevents them from having true, deep, meaningful relationships?; we get out what we put in, and this is true for everything in life, but especially relationships...how can I "put more in" to my relationships, even when the other person doesn't?; where us the line between what I want to have happen and the wishes of others?, etc. I've had a lot to learn about relationships, friendships, communication, and vulnerability, and this book helped me through some of that.

So. Many. Thoughts in my head. On top of the usual day-to-day things of running a household, being a mom to two, trying to be a great wife, a grad student in the middle of her psychology degree, and all the other hats I wear each day. It's exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. I feel tired, deep down, but also like I am growing and stretching in ways I never have before. 

Coronavirus has brought a lot of this personal growth to me. It has made me questions so many things and look deep inside at the person I am and the person I want to be. Nothing like a crazy virus, being home with my kids for months on end, and everything else 2020 has brought us to make a person re-evaluate their life and relationships. More than anything, I have come to realize that we are all people, put here on this earth, to help each other. I have always believed that, been taught that my whole life at church and from my family, but it has become even more important to me lately. As I converse with friends and family, I have felt comforted and supported. We have shared kind words and feelings of gratitude for our relationships with one another. It feels wonderful to know I have a tribe of people who are on the same journey of personal growth and learning together. Not everyone in my tribe believes the same things I do or agrees with everything I say or think, nor I them, but we can understand one another and support each other regardless. We can be vulnerable without feeling judged. It is the best kind of relationship to have, especially during the hardest times of life. 

For me, these relationships require two things. First, I have to be in a place where I am willing to be vulnerable and courageous. As Brene Brown puts it, "Courage is letting people see you." It takes a lot of guts to let people see you, the real you, and sometimes they will not like you. I have felt this many times. Even as an adult woman, there are other women who I'm pretty sure don't like me, haha. And that's okay. We all have different personalities, likes, and interests. What I love though, is when women (and all people, really) can come together and support each other and have meaningful relationships regardless of how compatible they are. That takes courage, vulnerability, and a heavy dose of being open minded, something I haven't always been. Serving a mission opened my eyes to many things, and being alive and trying to love others the way God loves them has opened my eyes even further. 

I believe that people can change. Even people who do the worst things have good in their souls. They can change. Anyone can change. But no one will change if they don't feel connection to others, a sense of purpose, and love from others. Sometimes it's extremely hard to connect with others, especially people who have their guard up and don't seem to want to connect. But we can always, always see the good in people and show love. Easier said than done, right? I'm definitely a work in progress in this department. We always  remind our kids, "There are no bad people, just people who make bad decisions." For me, it's easier to love everyone when I keep this view in mind. Not easy, but easier. 

There's not really a concrete point to this post. Just a lot of jumbled thoughts in my brain. My version of "Crossing to Safety." Trying to think through deep things to reach a safer, happier, more intentional version of myself. Just a place to say that I keep having these mini epiphanies--true eye-opening thoughts and realizations that are deep and impactful. And they all center on love. More love for myself and others around me. I struggle to act and love the way I want to in my heart sometimes. We're all human right? But I'm trying. 

And I feel like this: 

Only twenty minutes to sleep

And you dream of some epiphany

Just one single glimpse of relief

To make some sense of what you've seen.

-Taylor Swift

Just trying to make sense of my fleeting epiphanies. And wishing I had the words to tell about it the way I want to.