Own Your Expectations

Last night Mitch and I had a chance to hear Dr. Lund, a family/marriage counselor, speak about communication. *Note: Mitch and I have a great marriage, we didn't go because we were having relationship troubles. Rather, we had heard how amazing Dr. Lund is and decided to see what all the fuss was about.* Well, all the fuss was for a good reason. Dr. Lund is funny, entertaining, and very smart. Here are some of the things we learned:

• When a woman wants to "have a talk" with a man, the man wants to know three things: 1.Is it painful?, 2. How long will it take?, and 3. What do you want from me? So ladies, instead of saying, "I need to talk to you," which does not answer any of the man's questions, you should say, "I need 5 minutes of your time to talk to you about (insert subject). It won't be painful."


• "Own your expectations." This means that you say exactly what you want. Don't merely drop hints and expect the other person to know what you want. For example, if you're riding in the car don't say, "It's hot in here," and expect your spouse to know that you want him to turn on the a/c. Instead say, "Will you please turn on the a/c?" Say exactly what you mean. Say exactly what you want. Don't be a "hint-dropper."


• Women, DO NOT ask for a man's opinion on something he probably doesn't care about. If the man doesn't care, he doesn't have an opinion about it. But, if you ask him his opinion, he will immediately form one and defend it to his death, whether his opinion is right or wrong. For example, pretend you want ice cream. You might say to your husband, "What do you think about going to Arctic Circle?" He has not thought about it at all and thus has no opinion, but immediately forms one and says, "Nah, I don't feel like ice cream." Instead, say what you mean, like, "Hey I want to get some ice cream. Let's stop at Arctic Circle." If he doesn't want ice cream, fine, but at least you got yours.


• The negotiation process. Let's say we can't agree on what to do with our tax refund: Step 1. Lacey says what she wants to do. Step 2. Mitch repeats back what Lacey wants to do as he understood it. This should be done without criticism, negativity, or exaggeration. Step 3. Lacey confirms that Mitch understood what she said. She asks what Mitch wants to do. Step 4. Mitch says what he wants to do. Step 5. Lacey repeats back what Mitch wants to do as she understood it. *At this point, you will probably reach a conclusion. If not, proceed to Step 6.* Step 6. Write down all other ideas either of you might have. Do not criticize or be negative about any ideas. Often times, a stupid idea will lead to a good idea. Step 7. Reach a negotation from the ideas you came up with (original ideas or from the list.)


• When you do negotiate on something, make sure you both stick to it with a positive attitude. If you can't reach a happy medium, take turns deciding things. For example, take turns planning vacations, date nights, etc. Make sure the turns are equal and fair. Don't sulk about your spouse's choice when it's his (or her) turn- be as enthusiastic about his choice as you want him to be when it's your turn.


• Of course he discussed the fact that the female and male brains work differently. Women multi-task and only 10% of their brain goes to "sleep" at night. Men do not multi-task and 70% of their brain goes to sleep at night. These differences, and many others, are the reason why we communicate differently. It's important to remember that we are different, but we can create a "common language" by saying what you want (instead of dropping hints), following the negotation process, and saying what you mean.

As we were singing the closing song, I made a big mistake. I asked for Mitch's opinion about something he didn't care about. I asked, "Hey, do you wanna sneak out early?" Before he could form an opinion, I corrected myself and said, "I mean, I would like to leave now. Is that okay?" Mitch said yes and we were off. (We had to drop by a friend's house on the way home, so I wanted to leave early.) We really learned a lot and will be better about applying it. If you ever have a chance to listen to Dr. Lund, I highly suggest you go.

Little Things

Last night I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn't sleep. I could hear the rain dripping from the rain gutter and it was driving me nuts. I was thinking about the sound of rain and how it's usually one of those "little things" in life that makes me happy - just not at 3:30 in the morning. Then I started thinking about all the little things in life that make me smile. Here's a few I thought of:

• a sunny day
• clean bed sheets
• the vivid green color of a European summer
• seeing a newborn baby yawn
• just hanging out with your husband/wife
• getting your hair cut
• the smell of a horse's fur after it rains
• your cat falling asleep in your lap
• laying in front of the fireplace and getting lost in a good book
• leaving the dentist's office
• watching a group of four-year olds dance on a stage
• the smell of a puppy's breath
• the feeling you have after running four miles
• getting a hug and kiss when you get home from work
• brushing a horse for the first time after a long winter
• having a very serious conversation with a four-year old
• the brisk, fresh air of an early spring morning
• campfires and s'mores in the summer
• waking up on Friday morning and remembering it's the weekend
• tears of happiness for a family member or friend
• taking treats to church in your scripture bag

I could probably list a lot more, but that's a pretty good list. It makes me all warm and happy inside just thinking about those things!

Because I know It's True

This post is more for me than anything. A little reminder to myself ... Today I read this article called "Hearing and Heeding the Message from the Grove" by Elder Howard (Ensign, February 2009). The article discusses the truths we learn from Joseph Smith's vision, in which Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus Christ. Elder Howard made a statement that really struck me:

"Because of the First Vision, we do things we would not do otherwise. We teach our children, repent, pray, try to walk uprightly, and keep everlastingly at it -- all because of what happened in that grove."

That really made me think. It's not always easy to go to church every week, attend the temple, pay tithing, etc. And I'm definitely not perfect. But I know why I do all of these things even when I don't want to and even when it's hard. It's because I know that Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus Christ. Because I have a knowledge of the First Vision, I am able to have faith in the rest of the Gospel. My testimony gives me true, lasting happiness. And that is why I do what I do.

Today I am a Proud American

We have a new president now. I hope and pray that in four years from now our country will be a better place. I hope that we can all support our country's leaders and be united. Most of all, I hope that in four years from now, everyone who is "scared" of what Obama is going to do, will be pleased with what he's done. I hope that everyone who claimed that, "If Obama wins, I'm moving to Canada/Russia/South America," (which none of you have done, by the way) will be happy with our country's choice. I hope that Americans will stop being so scared and and realize how much goodness and hope is left in the world. If, in four years from now, we are worse off than we are today, I will gladly eat my words.

Alice in Wonderland

I just finished reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll. I LOVED it. The book was very entertaining. What an imagination Carroll must have had. I heard some people say he was on drugs and some say he had mental problems. I did some research and all I came up with is that he suffered from migraine headaches, during which he had amazing dreams full of his fairytale ideas. I'm going to believe that theory. I also come up with great ideas in my crazy dreams, so why couldn't Carroll? Why does someone have to be on drugs or mentally unstable to write a book? I choose to believe that some people are just plain creative, like Carroll. Regardless of how he came up with the book idea, I still recommend it and I will definitely read it to our kids someday.
Many critics argue about the book's true meaning. But, most of the things I read said that Carroll wrote the book at the insistence of a family friend's daughter, whom Carroll loved to entertain with his stories. Thus, perhaps the book didn't have a true meaning at all. Perhaps it was just meant to entertain children. (That is one thing that drives me nuts about English majors/critics: they think that every book was written for a specific reason.) I'll admit that many of the great literary works are written with a deeper meaning in mind, but I also think that plenty of them are just meant to entertain and delight. Anyways, after I finished the book, I made Mitch watch the Disney version of it with me. It was good, but it was actually a lot crazier than the book is! (No wonder people think Carroll was on drugs- Disney made it seem that way!) There was so much in the book that wasn't in the movie, but for the most part Disney got it right, they just exaggerated it. I never knew what the Cheshire Cat was singing in the movie, but now I know he was singing the words to "Jabberwocky," the poem that Carroll wrote in The Looking-Glass. My favorite part of the book and movie is the "Un-birthday" scene. The Mad Hatter makes a very good point: there are 365 days in a year. Only one day is your birthday. The other 364 days are your un-birthdays. I think we should celebrate our un-birthdays instead. :)

The Inferno

Hey everyone, this is Mitch. Since Lacey always posts when she finishes a book I figured that I would do the same. I've always wanted to read Dante's Inferno, and Lacey got it for me for Christmas. It is the first part of a 3 part poem called the Divina Commedia that Dante Alighieri wrote back in the early 1300's. The poem is about the Christian afterlife as seen by medieval Catholics. The other two parts (purgatory and heaven) are supposed to be good, but the inferno is supposed to be the best part. It was originally written in Italian, and was written in a complex rhyming scheme. The English translation obviously doesn't rhyme very much and is somewhat difficult to understand, but the version I got has a commentary in the back that helps a lot when reading through it.
Dante makes himself the main character of the story as he is led by one of his hero's down through the 9 circles of Hell. Hell is arranged like an inverted cone with each circle getting smaller as they descend. There are lots of characters from Greek and Roman mythology, but as the commentator points out, the most interesting characters are everyday people that Dante knew, who he placed in various places in Hell. The commentary makes this even better because it has the back story of all these people and the things they did.
The punishments in Hell are all somewhat ironic to the sin that they relate to, and they grow in severity as you go down the circles of Hell. For example, those who commit suicide (destroyed the body that God gave them) have their bodies taken away and are in the form of trees. Thieves are punished by having their human form stolen from them as they constantly change from reptile form to human form and back. Soothsayers are punished by having their head turned around backward on their body since they were always trying to see the future (ahead of them) in life. You can read the Wikipedia summary to get an idea of all the punishments (Divina Commedia).
I thought it funny that Dante places several popes, bishops, and other church figures in Hell, for things that they did wrong. Great poetic justice for him, but I bet it didn't make him popular with the church. He even places some people who were still living in Hell saying that those who commit the most heinous crimes have their souls instantly taken from them and a devil possesses their body on Earth.
The 9th and final circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers. It is a large lake of ice with those punished being frozen in the lake at various levels from their neck up depending on the severity of the sin. There are 3 sub-circles in this circle (those who betray family, those who betray country, and those who betray their benefactor). In the middle of Hell (which is also the center of the Earth), a giant Lucifer is frozen in ice from the waist down. He has 3 heads and in each of his 3 mouths is biting on the 3 worst sinners, in Dante's opinion, Judas Iscariot, Brutus and Cassius.
It is a good read, but is difficult to understand at times because of the poetic format. If you want to read it I recommend to get a copy with a commentary so that you can get more out of the story. It helps put some things into perspective and although not doctrinally in line with my faith, gives some interesting religious insights.

Sister Missionaries

Sister missionaries are special people. And I have every right to say that since I was one. :) I went on splits with the sisters in our area last night. I didn't want to go. But, Mitch is the ward mission leader, so every time people don't volunteer to go on splits, I have to go. Usually I don't mind, but last night was American Idol night, so I didn't want to go. I was aware that it was wrong of me to complain about missing American Idol when I knew (from my own mission) how much the sisters need someone to go on splits. I knew that I would have a chance to feel the Spirit, bear my testimony, and hopefully help someone else learn the truth for himself. I knew all that, but still, I didn't want to go. Of course, I went anyways and I am so glad I did! We visited a widow in our ward and I felt the Spirit so strong as this elderly woman testified about Joseph Smith and the Restoration of the Gospel. I smiled to myself when the sister missionary said the closing prayer, and yawned three times during her prayer (I remember how it is to be so tired. Mission = being constantly tired) We also met a woman who just moved here from Virginia. The sister missionary I was with started teaching her about the Book of Mormon. At first, this woman was practically mocking us. I could tell she thought we were just "little girls" as they'd call us on my mission. But after we both testified that we knew Christ's church had been restored, this woman had a complete attitude change. She said she would read the book. I realize that A LOT of people "say" they will read it, but I really think she will. We said a prayer of faith for her as we got back in the car. I love experiencing the power of bearing testimony. It's been too long since I vocally bore my testimony. I was so thankful for that opportunity last night. It was nice to be a "missionary" again, even if it was only for a few hours. (And I was glad I wasn't a missionary this morning so I didn't have to wake up at 6:30. Ha,ha)

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I consider myself a pretty happy person. Most of the time I think I'm pleasant to be around and a fun person. But, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which means that I get a little depressed (Mitch would probably add grumpy, tired, and negative) during the winter. SAD is depression that comes during the winter months because of a lack of sunlight. Doctors aren't 100% sure what the cause is, but most think it's genetic. Some people are also prone to it if they live in areas with less sunlight (like Europe). I think I have it because of genetics (pretty sure my dad has it) and because of the 18 months I spent on my misison in the Baltics. Some of the common symptoms of SAD are

• Sadness, irritability, moodiness, or anxiety
• Sluggishness, Loss of interest in usual activities
• Eating more, craving carbs, weight gain
• Sleep more and feel drowsy during the daytime

Let me just tell you that I have all of those symptoms during the winter (minus weight gain, and that's only because I bust my butt at the gym several times a week). Some of the recommendations to fight SAD are

• light therapy
• cognitive-behavioral therapy
• regular exercise
• eating healthy, avoiding carbs and sugars, drinking more water
• anti-depressants

You can check out these sites for more info on SAD by clicking here and here. This year I decided I wasn't going to be depressed during the winter. I bought a light lamp to try light therapy. I've been sitting in front of it most mornings for at least 30 minutes. It has made such a difference. I still have some bad days, but this winter has been much better than last winter. Thanks, Mitch, for putting up with me when I'm a grump. And thanks for always turning on my light lamp every morning before I wake up. That helps me a lot. I'm sorry for letting my sun-deprived brain get the better of me. :)

For Whom the Bell Tolls

I just finished reading it and I loved it. The book is written in run-on sentences with some dialogue in between that tells grotesque, detailed stories about the war that made me tell Mitch, "I don't want any of our kids to ever join the armed forces, even if I think it's a very noble and selfless thing to do." I couldn't shake the sad feeling of despair the book leaves the reader with and this feeling was only heightened when we saw "Valkyrie" with our friends Mike and Chelsi. I liked the movie. Very well done. But it brought back all those feelings that Hemingway left me with and I had to confront them again, fighting back tears, thinking about my grandpa in WWII, wondering about the soldiers in Iraq, and thinking how evil people are, how sick war is. Hemingway is a very talented author, in my opinion he's one of the best; he will show you how a soldier slowly goes crazy and make you want to read more, depsite its depressing nature.

Rock On

Tonight we had some friends over to play Rock Band. The Musters, Denzers, and Bryners are all quite the rockers!! Kassi and Chad even dressed up like '80s rockers, which was sweet. It was some people's first time playing in a "band" and they all did quite well. I was impressed. I had fun. Hopefully everyone else did too. We'll have to do it again soon you guys! You rock!!!!!!!